Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

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You’ve gotta read this book. Especially if you like drugs. And really, who doesn’t? It opens with our journalist setting out on a road trip to Las Vegas with his lawyer to cover a race–which, naturally, they don’t really attend. What do two bachelor fiends pack for a road trip?

“We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half-full of cocaine and a whole galaxy of multicolored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers… Also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of Budweiser, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls… But the only thing that worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible than a man in the depths of an ether binge…”

Promising, isn’t it?

Unsurprisingly, they careen through this trip screwing over and horrifying everyone they come into contact with. They even find themselves invited to cover a national drug conference, also in Vegas. You know, for law enforcement. I was once convinced to attend a state trooper graduation. My response was very similar in that I also felt like a double-agent in the hive of the enemy. Needless to say, once you get used to the writing style this book is phenomenally entertaining. I was laughing out loud through my shock over and over.

Five Stars! 

Masseuse Got Ya Girl Feelin’ Loose

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I was cruisin’ Living Social deals the other day when I came upon a “60 minute theraputic auromatherapy massage” at quite a bargain. The last time I got a massage was in 2006 before my final round of ACTs, and my score went up four points overall. So, clearly, this shit is legit. Being super stressed once again, I jumped at the deal and got one for Mother’s Day as well.

When I arrived there was no one in the “waiting room”, which was actually just a couple sofas, a mini-fridge from a college dorm room, and hippie posters. Keep in mind this space is on the second floor of some sort of office building with narrow, quiet hallways. I was having serious doubts as I called out, “Umm, hello? Is there anyone here?”

What I can only describe as a stern blonde gymnast appeared in shiny polyester clothing, “Oh, hello. Did you fill out your intake forms?”

“No.”

She spun back down a hidden hallway behind a cloth armchair and returned with a clipboard. They requested a medical history. I found that a little intrusive so I gave them my email address and crossed out the next three pages.

 

 

She led me down the hallway into a small room with a massage table and paintings of oceans. I had a moment of apprehension but  it turns out that twenty lavender scented candles and an ocean soundtrack have pretty much the same effect on me as a night at the bar has on the Jersey Shore cast; and stripping down to my skivies with a stranger suddenly didn’t seem so preposterous!

She reviewed where I was ok being massaged from a checklist (hard and soft limits!) before we began. She started with my shoulders, and I gradually became a zen puddle person. She moved me around, threw my limbs in new directions. She poured oils and lotions all over me. I may or may not have moaned once or twice.

By the end I can honestly say I was a little bit in love with that woman. I was the epitome of relaxation. I felt limber, calm, flexible. I had visions of myself jumping over buildings in a single bound, doing cartwheels, or maybe even ballet! As I went to tip her I realized I only had seven dollars in my purse and considered offering her everything in my possession. Android phone? Coach wristlet? Burts Bees chapstick? I didn’t need any of it anymore! This is clearly the kind of feeling that lures people into cults, but thankfully, she declined my worldly possessions and I continued on to my gainful employment.

Maybe next time!

50 Shades of Grey

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I did not know that this trilogy grew from Twilight fan-fiction when I started hating this book, but it does explain the unbearable writing. I repeat, UNBEARABLE. Here are some other issues I had…

1. The character “Anastasia” is completely unrealistic. She is a virgin who has never been kissed, let alone had an orgasm (even alone!), yet is supposed to be an educated, secular woman entering her post-grad years. If she was religious I would buy it, but then if she was religious she would never have let this BDSM situation progress. So let’s be real: we’re talking about someone who for all intents and purposes evokes the age of 16-17 max.

2. Given that she behaves as, and emotionally is, a teenager… that makes Christian predatory even before we get to his specific “tastes”. Furthermore the whole theme of her extreme purity now being all “his” versus his all-knowing experience and knowledge reinforces an exaggerated age difference and power dynamic. Especially considering the amount of control exerted over her, she is treated like a child. Why is this hot?

3. I don’t find Anastasia or Christian remotely likable. I alternated between rooting for her to leave him to his psychosis alone in his mansion and hoping he’d punish her every time she said “Holy crap!”, “Double crap!”, etc. Neither of them, to me, have any super redeeming qualities.

4. While, like many women, I can appreciate a man who takes charge Christian Grey crosses way too many boundaries, because he is a sick man. I could get down with the riding crop, hair pulling, a little bossiness can be hot in the right light. Showing up unannounced at my home, on my vacation, and my job is not gonna fly. Choosing my outfits, meals, and drinks is also too much. I’ve had a man order for me (Romania!) and it was just really awkward. Furthermore, if you take a belt to me, rest assured, it will be the last thing you ever do.

5. So, since Christian hit pretty much every possible red flag for an abusive relationship I have to ask again, WHY IS THIS HOT? The whole Bella/Edward, Anastasia/Christian fanatasism, I just don’t get it. These are not healthy people and they’re not in healthy relationships…. women of America, what is going on here??

0 stars.

There went the neighborhood

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It’s time to talk about my neighbor, “Bessie”. She moved in across the street around the same time as us, at least that’s what I assumed when I witnessed her drag stained, ancient carpet we had ripped out of our house into her own home.

There were other red flags. Our moving truck backed into one of her many cars lining the street and she demanded $500 cash to repair the already beaten vehicle. Her grandchild is at least eight and when I met him he was running up on top of cars one right after the other in his under-roos. Their backyard is clearly the island for misfit toys and semi-broken playground equipment. Most haunting, however are the windows of her home.

Each bay window, typically made into a bench seat or treasured focal point of most homes, Bessie has stuffed with victorian dolls. Naturally, the big bay windows can only accommodate around twenty dolls. So the smaller windows have had her remaining collection pressed against the glass in a single file line. Every window has been dressed in this fashion, which begs the question… can she see out of her own home? From inside does the world look like endless planes of young girls facing away from her?

Are there more dolls inside the house? Does she have them in boxes, as “collectors items” or do they roam free–coming alive at night to tell scary stories of their era to the little boy in his under-roos?

One of my first conversations with Bessie transpired as she approached in her mini-van and called my name with more command than a friendly request usually summons.

“Natasha.”

“Yes? Hi…”

“Are you back from college?”

“I’m visiting for the weekend, yes.”

“What are you studying?”

“English, psych…” I was standing on the passenger side of her van and a dog was hanging out the window. As I reached to touch the golden head I had a horrible realization. The dog was stuffed. She had a taxidermied animal riding shotgun, positioned to be joyfully sticking his head out the window.

“Good for you.” She said, seemingly unaware in the change in my expression as I backed away, muttering some sort of goodbye before scuttling into my home.

There are so many questions which rampage through my mind as I try to confront this. Was this a beloved pet? Does she always keep it in the car, or does she move it around with her? Does he come alive at night, like the dolls, and provide a little whimsy to the grimness of her grandson’s day to day life? Or do the dolls dismiss him, being a mongrel beneath their pedigree?

Furthermore, if she is so attached to this animal why does she have a such a severe lack of affection for the living dog tied to her back porch? Ever since I met him I have referred to this dog as “Junkyard”, not merely due to his surroundings but also because of his unimaginable breed, callous demeanor, and general tramp quality as he hides from the elements under the porch. No matter the season, during the day Bessie keeps him tied to the porch. Upon closer inspection I have multiple times noted that his water is frozen. A fact I repeatedly mention on all my calls to animal control/humane society on his behalf. Once night falls he is released to roam our neighborhood. Assumably, hunting for his food.

Often I am confronted by Bessie as I come home from work. Her voice calls to me from the cluttered maze of her porches. She is always on a fact finding mission and I try to answer her as briefly as possible; never quite sure where in the mess her voice is originating. This morning was no exception, but she was easy to spy as Bessie has now died her wiry locks magenta and her pink head shone through the piled furniture she had burrowed within.

Much like communist domino theory I worry that soon other houses will fall to the magnetism of crazy hoarding renter on an otherwise upstanding block. In five years will Junkyard have his own gang? Only time will tell.

I’m Not Dead Yet!

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I know it has been quite some time since I was updating this regularly, but never fear! I’m not dead yet! I’ve just been working… I double at least once or twice a week and some weeks I do a double every other day so my schedule looks like this:

Day 1: 3pm to 7am (That is 16 hours. That’s a lot.)

Day 2: 11pm to 7am. (That is 8 hours, normal.)

Day 3: 3pm to 7am (That’s 16 hours. That’s a lot.)

Day 4: 11pm to 7am (That is 8 hours, normal.)

Day 5: 3pm to 7am (That’s 16 hours. That’s a lot.)

Day 6/7: Hopefully days off, hopefully snoozin’.

As you can imagine, three months of this has been fairly exhausting.

Anywho, due to an overwhelming (as in a few comments in passing) demand for my blog, I am recommitted to writing! I am restarting this project and will now write at least twice a week! We have so much to catch up on, internet frienz!

Better Every Day

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Dear Diary,

I’m back at school. I’m also not a latch-key kitty anymore. Growlma meets me at the bus stop every day with the beasts to make sure I come straight home. Meowmy could do it but, alas, the days of me wondering where on earth she is have returned. I hear she’s working, but I never know who to believe around here. For all I know she’s been holed up at the Betty Ford family program.

I feared my return to school would be awkward, at the very least, and result in my earning a social status of pariah after disappearing into the throws of rehab for so many weeks. After all, there is a certain stigma to being a cat and a stigma to addiction. I feared the combination would ensure my exclusion from climbing the social ladder at Hogwarts. How wrong I was! I’ve always known that single girls are drawn to me, my cat charm just woos them every time. Now that my struggles with cat nip have clearly marked me as being in need of “rescue” I can hardly keep them at bay.

Better every day,

Merlin

Sloppy Firsts

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I have entered the world of Jessica Darling via my coworkers collection of the series! I won’t lie, I notoriously resist series that seem to be widely popular. I don’t know why I do it, but I do. I’m often stubborn without cause. It took me forever to give in to The Hunger Games, and now I’m nothing short of obsessed. Though, I have found that when working a sixteen hour shift  and finally reaching the last few hours when everyone has fallen asleep/all the paperwork is done a light entertaining read has many advantages over a more cerebral novel.

It is written in letters to a far-away best friend and diary entries of 15/16 year old girl. They are believably written by her, which is not to say that it was easy to write but, you know, it’s not like well-crafted literature. Still, it is so realistic to the high school experience. I knew Marcus Flutie, the guy that Jessica Darling just can’t get out of her head. I, like she, was drawn to this sort of personality and several males popped to mind while I was reading. Hasn’t everyone fallen in some sort of love with a Marcus Flutie?

I had ALMOST forgotten about the hierarchy of skank levels that was so prevalent in high school, and how important it felt to go to prom, have a boyfriend, look amazing to colleges, unbearable summer jobs, unfair parental punishments, girls you just couldn’t trust and girls you couldn’t live without, oh the PRESSURE to impress your family, feeling trapped, navigating social cliques, and ohmygoodness what to do with one’s virginity!

It’s a high school time-travel phenomenon.

If you vaguely miss being young and free in some ambivalent way, read this book and you’ll remember why you never want to go back, ever.